Jim Caviezel's emergency beard

While I'm waiting for something to happen in Game of Thrones I thought I'd fix Warwick Davis, look.

Did I do a good thing boss, did I, huh?




FILMS CRITICKING!


- John Carter (2012)
... This seems familiar... ... Did he go to Kylemore College?

- Predators (2010)
Why is Adrien Brody?... Seriously, I'm tired of this...

- Melancholia (2011)
Not enough drunk John Hurt.

Pre-review!

Battleship

Brought to you by Hasbro! Manufacturers of children's toys.

Starring Rihanna, dead-eyed, whorish pop star! Taylor Kitsch, ex model and professional big-screen grunter and flexer!... And, Liam Neeson, Qui-gon Jinn...

... Why isn't euthanasia legal?...

theskinjustwontgrowbackwhy bye bye love ya! :D

Multiple Personality Disco

Okay so I didn't want to put up just a picture so I stole a blog post I did in the Beforetimes, the past.  It was for fREAKY pICNIC, a group blog I did with college folk from college.  Its kinda dead now but check it out why not, there's all kinds of lovely kick-assness n talenty artstuffs in the archives.

Extra Strong WONDERMINTS:

- If some dinosaurs evolved into birds and the purpose of evolution is for progress, does that mean velociraptors are shitter than chickens?

- If Elvis killed millions of jews would nobody grow sideburns anymore?

- What would win in a fight between a bear grylls and a tiger woods?

- Can I get a hell yeah?

- If the moon stayed in the same place over the earth, and it was at sea, would you get a mountain of water pulled up by the gravity?

- Is it all the chinese over there thats causing the earth to wobble on its axis?

- If sound can't travel through space does that mean I can't bring my ipod with me on the shuttle?

- Do amputees gain weight easier?

- If you're completely covered in hair, where does your hairstyle stop?

- If I'm floating in space with an obese spaceperson would I get drawn towards their stronger gravity?

- If igloos shield you from the cold, could I protect myself from the desert heat by building a fire around myself?

- How far back in time do you have to go so that its okay to have sex with your ancestor?

 - It'd be cool if we all lived in trees.

 For answers, check the back of your internet. 

ONE FILM CRITICKED!

- Black Swan (2010)

I masturbated twice.

BYE BYE myloveforyouhurtsme!

A new zest for life/Stockholm syndrome

Things I learned as an adult boy

-  If you find yourself caught in the middle of a conflict between two of your close friends, don't take sides. Remember that they are both your friends and that they both put you in an awkward position, so they can both go fuck themselves.  Make sure to steal valuable things and/or money from them before ignoring them and giving them dirty looks from now on.

-  The older you get, the more blackouts you have, so time seems to fly, unburdened by remembering things.

-  Some ladies like to perform oral sex, some ladies don't, but will commit demeaning and inhuman sexual horrors upon your person.  Even if you don't ask.

-  The older you get, the more blackouts you have, so time seems to fly, unburdened by remembering things.

-  Drunks and children speak the most truth.  But they're idiots so their truth counts for shit all.  Drunk children on the other hand...

-  Treat people as you'd like to be treated.  If you're a masochist get consent first.

-  "Chafing" is not a sexually transmitted disease.

-  There's a thin line between love and hate... Or a pill.  You could crush the pill maybe...

-  When engaging in occultist genocide, ask yourself "Is she really worth it?".

-  There hasn't been a shape-changing UFO hovering outside my window for years and years.  They call that "Moon".  It's kinda like a planet that goes around our planet.

-  I tend to give myself too much credit.  Coz wit d free txt msgs n all i dnt rly use d whole €20.

-  I'll never have friends like the ones I had when I was twelve.  I heard they gave the whole paedophile ring the death sentence.

and then bye bye.

Will surrender sanity for food

So my da says "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job!"... I became an artist instead.  It's like a job but you rarely get paid and you do something you love.

 I'd prefer to be a T-Rex.

A FILM CRITICKED!

- G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (2009)

Like "Team America", but the puppets were more wooden.

now i'm done

 

Philosophy for defects

- When you dig a hole, the pile of dirt always seems bigger than the hole itself.  The deeper you dig, the emptier it gets.  My back aches, my hands are blistered, and so on in an emo fashion...

- The truth is; the eyes are the windows to nothing but sacs of aqueous humour. 

- I get high a lot, but I don't think I know as much about aerodynamics as I thought.

- The plural of Jimi Hendrix?  Jimi Hendrices?...



And now, a word from our sponsor

FILMS CRITICKING!

- The Beaver (2011)
Jim Henson's "Fight Club".

- Skyline (2010)
Like a reeeally long trailer for something that looks good.

There was some people in it.  I think they were actors...

- Spy Kids 4D (2011)
Smell is not a dimension.


- The Tunnel (2011)
A great remake of "The Blair Witch Project"... Sincerely.  I really enjoyed it.


Bye bye now!

If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all...

... Nothing at all... Nothing at all... Nothing at all...

I challenged myself to see how far I could count with film titles (not including sequel numbers).  I did this far

1.   One flew over the cuckoo's nest
2.   Two to tango
3.   Three men and a baby
4.   Four weddings and a funeral
5.   9 to 5
6.   6 days, 7 nights
7.   Seven
8.   8 mile
9.   9/ Nine/ The Nines/ 9 to 5/ K-9/ The whole nine yards
10.  10 thing i hate about you
11.  Ocean's eleven
12. Ocean's twelve
13. Ocean's thirteen

If anyone can think of 14 and/or onwards, comment it and I'll come around your's, make chicken fried rice, give you a deep tissue massage and sing "don't wanna miss a thing" by aerosmith to you.  You'll fucking love it you slut!


Now... FILMS CRITICKING!

- Super 8 (2011)
Its like E.T. had a bath-house quickie with Michael Bay.  No emotional connection and nobody was satisfied, despite everyone cumming.  Kick ass soundtrack!


- Sucker Punch (2011)
Its like inception on a boner.

I feel like I'm playing a really exciting computer game in a trendy nightclub, while masturbating.  I love it!


COMING SOON... a remake of Spider-Man... seriously?!!... I mean, FUCKING SERIOUSLY?!!

Here, have this

First impressions are importint... ... I mean...

How do you start these things? Here look at what I did!

Hmmm... I was watchin


FILMS CRITICKING!


- X-Men: First Class (2011)
James McAvoy's portrayal of a young Derren Brown was amazing and Michael Fassbender's Irish accent was perfect at the end.

- Battle Los Angeles (2011)
Felt like I should be holding an Xbox controller and shouting abuse at foreigners through a headset.


- The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010)
Nicholas Cage doesn't ruin it.


- Splice (2009)
Adrian Brody ruins it.  As usual.


Coming sooner than you'd hope...

That'll do yeah?